Ryan Leeds

So I found out that my mother has me listed on Facebook as a write-in for a family member. The only reason I can imagine that she did this is because she wants to list me as her daughter, rather than her son. She used my legal name.

I didn't expect seeing that to hurt as much as it did. But it's yet another time for her to rub it into my face that it's been 5 years now and she still can't respect me for who I am.

I very rarely pass as female anymore. I have a beard. People accept me as male. But my mother can't. Fuck, her friends are more accepting of who I am than she is. One of her friends has always been comfortable calling me what I'm comfortable being called. But my mother just can't let go.

It's been harder for me to cry since I started testosterone. But right now, I'm on the verge of tears over something so simple. So stupid.

Because of my living situation, I am asked every day what I'm going to do. I'm not looking for a job and that has left me with a lot of free time. And (sorry, got distracted by the fact that someone is wearing the same neon skater shoes that I own) they want to make sure that I'm using that free time constructively.

I don't always see the same case worker. And every time they ask me what I'm going to do, I answer honestly. I'm going to sit down in a coffee shop and write. This always leads to the next question: what do you write?

That seems like it should be cut and dry -- I write speculative fiction. I've dabbled in soft-genre, but I very rarely write something that doesn't have some speculative element. But then the question comes up: so what do you write about?

I could spout off a number of stories. I could tell them about EDEN and Izzy, Lauren and Marie, or Sparky and Walter. I could tell them that honestly, if I'm writing fantasy, it's still (mostly) science fantasy. I could tell them that I write about unhealthy relationships, sentient computers, and questionable morality, usually in a non-linear format. But that's not what they want to hear. Or is it?

I write speculative fiction that promotes diversity. Whether it's trans lesbian cyborgs, characters with autism, or strong women, I need some sense of diversity in there. I get tired of reading about white male protagonists (even though I am one).

I want to write characters that are fallible. I'm tired of that white male protagonist having a few minor setbacks, but in the end gets what he wants. No, scratch that, I'm tired of stories where a character is at point A, wants to be at point B, and makes it there with almost no conflict.

I want to write stories where the plot is in the background. I want to build and break characters. I want people to change in 4000 words, and not always for the better.

I write what I want to read, even though I don't have the skill to pull it off. I'm tired of stories about my neuroatypicality, my illness, my disability, my gender identity being the focus of the story, rather than just a part of it. Or erased entirely.

We're moving forward. I find stories I'm happy reading. But that doesn't change the fact that the majority of speculative fiction authors are cisgendered, able, neurotypical men, writing stories from their point of view.

There are markets specifically for the promotion of diversity, but I'd like to be able to open any magazine and find myself represented in some way. I think I'd read a lot more if that were the case.