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There's No Excuse: Report Child Abuse
Dec. 22nd, 2013 04:43 pmI am ashamed to admit it. I knew a child was being abused. And I almost didn't report.
There are a lot of reasons people don't report child abuse. I had an entire list that was holding me back. Sadly, some of these excuses stemmed from my own experiences with abuse.
A Little Backstory
I, like so many others, was abused as a child. Statistics vary widely. Some say that as many as one in three children are abused. It doesn't matter if it's physical, emotional, or sexual. Child abuse is abuse and leaves a lifelong impact.
In my very early childhood, I was severely neglected. We're talking finding me in a closet with infected self-inflicted scratches due to one of the worst pinworm infestations the pediatrician had ever seen. I don't remember those years; I was very young. But I do remember the emotional abuse that came later.
Almost every therapist wanted to focus on the early childhood neglect, which is one of the reasons I didn't realize the extent of the abuse I suffered from then through my teens. It wasn't until I was hundreds of miles away and years old that I even realized that my childhood was anything but healthy.
I'm not going to go into details. To put it simply, I grew up with a severely narcissistic caretaker. I resonate with almost everything listed here. I've cut ties repeatedly in order to save my sanity, even as an adult. It's very hard to love an abuser.
But like I said, it was my experiences with abuse that made me fear reporting in the first place.
The Situation
Every day, I would hear screaming on the other side of my bedroom wall. My neighbor seemed to have severe anger management issues. She yelled at her dogs. She yelled at the television. But what was most frightening was how often she yelled at her four-year-old granddaughter.
I'm not talking about a quick shout. I'm not talking about occasional discipline. I'm talking about hearing a little girl sobbing as her caretaker screamed at her for hours on end because she couldn't get the answer right on her homework.
My neighbor was so loud, I could hear her actual words. It's not that the walls are that thin: I couldn't hear anything the granddaughter said. Only her sobs.
If she couldn't find a library book, she'd be screamed at. If she didn't think to shut the door fast enough, she'd be yelled at. It seemed that no matter what she did, there was a reason to be screamed at.
Oh, how this resonated with me. I know far too well what it's like when you can't do anything right. It doesn't matter how hard you try. No matter what you do, you're going to get in trouble. The moment you think you understand the rules, they change.
Hearing such a clear parallel to my own experiences brought on flashbacks. I was physically ill, waking up to this abuse. I knew this had to stop. Not just for the child, but for me as well. I know it sounds selfish, but living with PTSD attacks on a daily basis isn't fun.
Then, there would be statements like "This is why Grandma has to hit you sometimes." I would hear thumps and pray that the dogs had knocked something over.
Why I Didn't Report
She'd Know It's Me
Sure, CPS reports are confidential, but who else could be overhearing all of this? I knew that if I reported her, she would know it was me. And she wasn't my abuser, but I was still scared of her. Listening to all of this abuse left me in stark fear, even though she had no power over me.
Sorry, this isn't an excuse.
For starters, I'm an adult. No matter how much fear my neighbor instills in me, it's nothing compared to what she's doing to that child. She doesn't control my life. She doesn't hold any power over me. I can call the cops on her, if need be. I am not trapped in her household.
But the child is.
That child is going to have to deal with all of this, with no chance of escape. Even if the girl is aware that she's being abused, which from my experience, she might not, what is a four-year-old going to do to stop it?
You're the only one who can. And you're the only one who can actually do something if there is retaliation.
What If It Gets Worse?
Sadly, my first (and only) experience with someone pointing out that my mother was abusing me was seeing things suddenly get worse.
Many, if not most, abusers, don't see themselves as abusers. And it's a sad fact that they get kind of angry when accused. And they already have a punching bag.
It's the kid.
The last thing I wanted was to make this little girl's life even worse. I didn't want to see the abuse escalate.
But that's bullshit.
If everyone was afraid to report child abuse because the abuser might get worse, abusers would never be reported. If abusers who aren't even aware that they're abusers never get confronted with that information, how are they supposed to change?
Yes, there's a chance that things might get worse. But here's the truth: CPS investigates all reports of child abuse. If things get worse, make a second phone call. Let them know that things have escalated. If you think the child is in immediate danger, you'll hear sirens in a few seconds. They take this stuff seriously.
There's a good chance you're not the only one worrying about this kid. The more reports, the more information CPS has and the better they can see the situation. The more viewpoints, the more they can protect the child.
Things might get worse. But if they are going to get worse, they can't get better until someone makes the call. Call repeatedly. Encourage others to report as well. Let CPS know that the child needs to be removed from the home at this point.
Don't let a bad situation fester for fear of it getting worse.
It's Just Emotional Abuse
I told this to myself so many times and it makes me sick knowing that I let myself believe this was a valid excuse.
Emotional abuse is abuse.
Let me repeat that: EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS ABUSE.
Yes. It's hard to prove. Yes, CPS would likely have a hard time removing the child from the home because of emotional abuse.
That doesn't mean they can't do anything. That doesn't mean nothing will happen. If you see any evidence at all of any kind of child abuse, CPS will investigate. They will try to do the best for the child. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Again, if you don't report, nothing's going to happen.
I Had No Proof
I didn't have any doubts about whether or not abuse was going on (which is still not a reason not to report: when in doubt, report), but I didn't have any proof.
California is a two-party consent state for recording. This meant that while I had to listen (in my own home) to her abuse on a daily basis, I could not legally record her hurting this child as proof. Unfortunately, our right to privacy protects abusers in some cases. (There was a child who recorded their father beating them. Evidence was not admissible in court because the father didn't consent. Don't get me started on the fact that if it was sexual abuse, the child could have been prosecuted for creating child pornography.)
Heck, I didn't even know most of the details. I was pretty sure she was the child's grandmother, not mother. But I didn't know if she was the legal guardian or not. I couldn't say for sure how often the child was home. I didn't know the child's name or age. All I knew was their address and that there was a young child being abused.
All of this information helps CPS, but it's not necessary. All they need to know is that a child is being hurt and where to find that child. They'll ask you questions you may not be able to answer, but they understand that we don't always know everything.
I'm sure there are other reasons that a person might feel hesitant to file a report. If you know the person well, know that they're not ~evil, you might be worried about such an accusation. Remember: abusers aren't always the epitome of evil. They have redeeming qualities. They often don't know they're being abusive. Many of them, if they were aware, would feel incredible amounts of shame.
If you have ANY reservations about whether or not to report, push them aside. Make the report. It's true; there might be consequences. But the consequence of not reporting is far more serious.
I'm still struggling with the effects of an abusive childhood. Some days are easier than others, but not a day goes by where these experiences don't color my perception or influence my decisions.
I beg you: if you were like me, and your own experiences of abuse created a shroud of fear about reporting, please push those fears aside. There's a good chance that someone else's fear kept them from reaching out to you. If someone did reach out, and there were consequences, consider how things could be been different if they'd persisted.
My story has a good ending. I very rarely hear yelling at all these days. There are no more mysterious thumps. I wasn't confronted by my neighbor once.
I'm aware I was lucky. But in hindsight, I can now see that even if things hadn't turned out this well, if all my fears had come true, reporting would have been the right response. It just would have been more of a struggle.
There's no excuse, none, for not reporting child abuse. As an adult, you have the power to make change. In an abusive home, a child is being left without that power and these experiences will influence them for the rest of their life.
My neighbor's granddaughter no longer has that fearful reservation in her actions that I know all too well. That hesitation before speaking, moving, doing anything, lest it result in punishment. Just seeing her smile is reminder enough how important the decision to report was.
There are a lot of reasons people don't report child abuse. I had an entire list that was holding me back. Sadly, some of these excuses stemmed from my own experiences with abuse.
A Little Backstory
I, like so many others, was abused as a child. Statistics vary widely. Some say that as many as one in three children are abused. It doesn't matter if it's physical, emotional, or sexual. Child abuse is abuse and leaves a lifelong impact.
In my very early childhood, I was severely neglected. We're talking finding me in a closet with infected self-inflicted scratches due to one of the worst pinworm infestations the pediatrician had ever seen. I don't remember those years; I was very young. But I do remember the emotional abuse that came later.
Almost every therapist wanted to focus on the early childhood neglect, which is one of the reasons I didn't realize the extent of the abuse I suffered from then through my teens. It wasn't until I was hundreds of miles away and years old that I even realized that my childhood was anything but healthy.
I'm not going to go into details. To put it simply, I grew up with a severely narcissistic caretaker. I resonate with almost everything listed here. I've cut ties repeatedly in order to save my sanity, even as an adult. It's very hard to love an abuser.
But like I said, it was my experiences with abuse that made me fear reporting in the first place.
The Situation
Every day, I would hear screaming on the other side of my bedroom wall. My neighbor seemed to have severe anger management issues. She yelled at her dogs. She yelled at the television. But what was most frightening was how often she yelled at her four-year-old granddaughter.
I'm not talking about a quick shout. I'm not talking about occasional discipline. I'm talking about hearing a little girl sobbing as her caretaker screamed at her for hours on end because she couldn't get the answer right on her homework.
My neighbor was so loud, I could hear her actual words. It's not that the walls are that thin: I couldn't hear anything the granddaughter said. Only her sobs.
If she couldn't find a library book, she'd be screamed at. If she didn't think to shut the door fast enough, she'd be yelled at. It seemed that no matter what she did, there was a reason to be screamed at.
Oh, how this resonated with me. I know far too well what it's like when you can't do anything right. It doesn't matter how hard you try. No matter what you do, you're going to get in trouble. The moment you think you understand the rules, they change.
Hearing such a clear parallel to my own experiences brought on flashbacks. I was physically ill, waking up to this abuse. I knew this had to stop. Not just for the child, but for me as well. I know it sounds selfish, but living with PTSD attacks on a daily basis isn't fun.
Then, there would be statements like "This is why Grandma has to hit you sometimes." I would hear thumps and pray that the dogs had knocked something over.
Why I Didn't Report
She'd Know It's Me
Sure, CPS reports are confidential, but who else could be overhearing all of this? I knew that if I reported her, she would know it was me. And she wasn't my abuser, but I was still scared of her. Listening to all of this abuse left me in stark fear, even though she had no power over me.
Sorry, this isn't an excuse.
For starters, I'm an adult. No matter how much fear my neighbor instills in me, it's nothing compared to what she's doing to that child. She doesn't control my life. She doesn't hold any power over me. I can call the cops on her, if need be. I am not trapped in her household.
But the child is.
That child is going to have to deal with all of this, with no chance of escape. Even if the girl is aware that she's being abused, which from my experience, she might not, what is a four-year-old going to do to stop it?
You're the only one who can. And you're the only one who can actually do something if there is retaliation.
What If It Gets Worse?
Sadly, my first (and only) experience with someone pointing out that my mother was abusing me was seeing things suddenly get worse.
Many, if not most, abusers, don't see themselves as abusers. And it's a sad fact that they get kind of angry when accused. And they already have a punching bag.
It's the kid.
The last thing I wanted was to make this little girl's life even worse. I didn't want to see the abuse escalate.
But that's bullshit.
If everyone was afraid to report child abuse because the abuser might get worse, abusers would never be reported. If abusers who aren't even aware that they're abusers never get confronted with that information, how are they supposed to change?
Yes, there's a chance that things might get worse. But here's the truth: CPS investigates all reports of child abuse. If things get worse, make a second phone call. Let them know that things have escalated. If you think the child is in immediate danger, you'll hear sirens in a few seconds. They take this stuff seriously.
There's a good chance you're not the only one worrying about this kid. The more reports, the more information CPS has and the better they can see the situation. The more viewpoints, the more they can protect the child.
Things might get worse. But if they are going to get worse, they can't get better until someone makes the call. Call repeatedly. Encourage others to report as well. Let CPS know that the child needs to be removed from the home at this point.
Don't let a bad situation fester for fear of it getting worse.
It's Just Emotional Abuse
I told this to myself so many times and it makes me sick knowing that I let myself believe this was a valid excuse.
Emotional abuse is abuse.
Let me repeat that: EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS ABUSE.
Yes. It's hard to prove. Yes, CPS would likely have a hard time removing the child from the home because of emotional abuse.
That doesn't mean they can't do anything. That doesn't mean nothing will happen. If you see any evidence at all of any kind of child abuse, CPS will investigate. They will try to do the best for the child. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Again, if you don't report, nothing's going to happen.
I Had No Proof
I didn't have any doubts about whether or not abuse was going on (which is still not a reason not to report: when in doubt, report), but I didn't have any proof.
California is a two-party consent state for recording. This meant that while I had to listen (in my own home) to her abuse on a daily basis, I could not legally record her hurting this child as proof. Unfortunately, our right to privacy protects abusers in some cases. (There was a child who recorded their father beating them. Evidence was not admissible in court because the father didn't consent. Don't get me started on the fact that if it was sexual abuse, the child could have been prosecuted for creating child pornography.)
Heck, I didn't even know most of the details. I was pretty sure she was the child's grandmother, not mother. But I didn't know if she was the legal guardian or not. I couldn't say for sure how often the child was home. I didn't know the child's name or age. All I knew was their address and that there was a young child being abused.
All of this information helps CPS, but it's not necessary. All they need to know is that a child is being hurt and where to find that child. They'll ask you questions you may not be able to answer, but they understand that we don't always know everything.
I'm sure there are other reasons that a person might feel hesitant to file a report. If you know the person well, know that they're not ~evil, you might be worried about such an accusation. Remember: abusers aren't always the epitome of evil. They have redeeming qualities. They often don't know they're being abusive. Many of them, if they were aware, would feel incredible amounts of shame.
If you have ANY reservations about whether or not to report, push them aside. Make the report. It's true; there might be consequences. But the consequence of not reporting is far more serious.
I'm still struggling with the effects of an abusive childhood. Some days are easier than others, but not a day goes by where these experiences don't color my perception or influence my decisions.
I beg you: if you were like me, and your own experiences of abuse created a shroud of fear about reporting, please push those fears aside. There's a good chance that someone else's fear kept them from reaching out to you. If someone did reach out, and there were consequences, consider how things could be been different if they'd persisted.
My story has a good ending. I very rarely hear yelling at all these days. There are no more mysterious thumps. I wasn't confronted by my neighbor once.
I'm aware I was lucky. But in hindsight, I can now see that even if things hadn't turned out this well, if all my fears had come true, reporting would have been the right response. It just would have been more of a struggle.
There's no excuse, none, for not reporting child abuse. As an adult, you have the power to make change. In an abusive home, a child is being left without that power and these experiences will influence them for the rest of their life.
My neighbor's granddaughter no longer has that fearful reservation in her actions that I know all too well. That hesitation before speaking, moving, doing anything, lest it result in punishment. Just seeing her smile is reminder enough how important the decision to report was.
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